No one knows the identity of this blog writer except for her friend - the DJ Crisis.
I don’t know if he is reading this…
But he left me an e-mail saying “You have not been updating your secret blog… Maybe because you are happy now”
True enough I guess…
I guess I blog here only when I’m confused, hurt, scared to tell the whole world about my feelings… I think I just write here all the personal stuff…
But why do I give this crisis an access… ? He’s like an online angel… A friend I had for a long time (2 or 3 years I’m not sure)… for an online friend we still keep in touch once in a while until now… and we often talk about things like these… openly… because we understand each other despite the distance… there is no risk of being judged or criticized or whatever… it’s just nice to have this friend…
Anyway… here are updates
Start of the year… I had a problem so big you can’t imagine what it is but I almost died… My Mr. Big helped me out and he was with me from the start till finish… and even if it’s over, he’s still here with me…
After a month, he gave me keys to his house…
Then before we knew it… we were exchanging unexpected “I love yous”
What happened to Mr. Po3 then? … ah…
There was I time where I was torn… but when Mr. Po3 went here to be with me… I didn’t feel right being with him… We almost did it… but I stopped… it was all wierd…
That’s when I realized… that my heart is really longing for someone else…
–
Fast Forward to today… I just read his blog post about me last Dec. 31 and it goes like:
“a girl talking beside me, but I just kept nodding… barely listening to any word she speaks… my thoughts wandered at the thought of he… where is she? what’s he doing now? why has she not replied to me?”
I thought it was sweet… I was worthy of his blogged posts just like that…
I’m sorry boo, I think it’s just like 500 days of summer… I really feel like summer, you’re Tom… and I thought I really really liked you… but I could not figure out that something that’s missing… and I found it in Mr. Big…
la la la…
too much of that… I’m leaving to an all-expense paid trip to somewhere nice 
laters!
They knew I’m single again.. and they want me back?
Why?
Coz I’m the best… I’m the fucking best lover they ever had…
When words like “I want to keep you” and “I like you more than I should” are said to you by a guy you’ve been training not to get so attached to because you did not expect anything from him and you didn’t think he’d want to get serious what would you do?
You have put this barrier and drew a line between romantic friends and lovers…
are you jumping into the other side of the definition?
Before I said, I’d hate to define things because it’s ruining everything…
But there are times when you need to…
Time is now…
Now I’m confused…
FARK!
Ever feel that sometimes you have too many options? … You like them all but you only need to choose one?
DOUBLE FARK!
He said “I think I’m liking you now, more than I should” …
He also said earlier “That’s what… er.. friends.. are for…” (with a dropping tone on the “friends are for”)
He kept on saying he missed me so much when he was gone, and that next time he’s gonna bring me with him and fit me in a box or something…
—–
I …
don’t know what to say… I don’t know how I feel…
If before he left, he said all these, it would have captured my heart…
—-
But…
my heart, as of now, longs for someone else…
somewhere distant… near but far…
this someone is going home…
and I longed for our reunion so bad…
the first time I met him I thought I felt really weird… when I saw his eyes… I felt home…
—
I… am…
in trouble…
AGAIN!
Guess what… I just got single!
You know what this means… It’s time for Candy to flirt!
I was at this black party… I was not aware of the club’s theme and I came from another party… BTW, I’m wearing ALL - WHITE!!! I think my outfit is the culprit of it all because amongst the people on the crowded (super crowded) dance floor… the girl in white just stood out!
I received flirty stares… cheers … nods… some horny stares (but I don’t want to dwell on this one) and some just friendly “Hi’s”.
As I made my way to our dance spot all I could ever think of was Paris Hilton’s favorite line.. “Life is too short to blend in.” That night, I just could not help but smile… I guess the smile intensified the magnet… the pull of attraction of these men to me lol.
On the average I’d say at least 20 turned around to stare… 5 introduced themeselves… 3 made a lousy attempt (but I gave a no-interest fac good thing they got a clue)… 3 who asked for my number…
There was this jologs guy who asked me “Can I get your DIGITS?”
I’m like … EH?!?!?!
He looked like a carpenter or construction worker or something and I was like… it figures… But even if he looks cute.. for him to pull that line… DIGITS??? holy mother of pearls.. hell no!
Good thing this cute guy came to the rescue… and introduced himself… I was glad he did that… althought he looked cute .. tall… nice eyes… lean body and nice smile… all that stuff… I just played a little… welcomed the flirting.. but I really did not have much interest on him… weird?
Then I was on my way to the toilet when this guy just caught my attention “Hey, where’s my Candy?”
I was confused because I AM FLAIR CANDY! I thought he knew me for my blog or something…
“It’s trick or treat time… give me my candy” - stupid me I forgot it’s halloween..
Him: Hey, you have an accent… where are you from?
Me: I’m just from here… in the Philippines?
(do I really have an accent? coz I get this all the time FARK! )
Him: I just got here in Manila for vacation, I was in the military..
Me: (This is such a coincidence… american boy, Filipino at heart, vacation here in Manila and MILITARY… yes… coincidence…)
Him: (drags me to the wall)
Me: (really really tipsy! and DIZZY)
so I let him drag me where ever and he started kissing me! His effin’ tongue was all over! I did not want to make a scene so I just pulled over from him and told him that I really need to go to the toilet…
In the toilet… I was glad I could breath…
Through the entire night… all the boys… the men… were ready to get to know me some more … (or probably they just want some bootycall but I gave then none) so sorry to all of your Penises I am not interested lol…
The whole night… while all these was happening… I could not stop thinking of this boy I just met… He was there in my mind the entire night…
He’s really special huh… I guess he is…
My brain might want to deny it… but that night just realized that my heart knows better… Although I have promised myself to put a wall/ a barrier between being casual and falling in love… that wall is slowly tumbling down…
But I know better…
Separating my expectations from reality… that was the best lesson I learned based on my colorful experience…
I’m just happy to be feeling this again.. to fall in love again
I realized that my new posts lately just go around the topic of falling in love again…
What are the things that can capture my heart?
Only two things:
Those two characteristics are my kryptonite… I get weak when I encounter people matching either criteria… Then… this boy I met have two… I know I’m falling… I seriously do… but I’m separating expectations from reality… and to this point, I could not care more what happens in the future.
I’m just happy I am feeling this right now… falling in love again…
Am I ready to fall in love again?
For now… not yet…
But for now I am happy. I am touched.
There’s someone special I don’t dare define.
And it is just a blissful mystery.
At night I start to suffer
All the sudded streak of anger
But the loneliness overshadows the pain
and missing you is a torture
‘coz I’ll never have you back
but the memories cling on to me
like a song I’ve known so long
deep in my heart I search for your hand
and even in my dreams I see you’re not here on my side
for this misery has always been a company I have
to never let go of these thoughts
to always remember your sweetest touch
is treasure enough i cannot throw
all the subtlety
I hide all misery
and I cry inside and no one knows
how long will I feel this way…
I’m stuck on you…
Why am I confused?
Do you always know what you want?
I think I think too much…
Is thinking essential or is it just ruining the present?
What am I looking for?
Sometimes, when you least expect it… It all just happens…
Serendipity… Universe Conspiracy…
Opportunity just comes in the least you expect it… and it’s up to you to make a choice to accept your Destiny…
So how do you know if something’s right… You will never truly know unless you take risks… If you feel life presents you with something… let your heart feel and your mind think… Be sensitive though of the signs and little miracles for it will guide you…
If you feel like no opportunity is brought upon you… change angles and change perspectives… Sometimes, the simplest things in life are what’s more important… and sometimes the best things in life are free…
So open your eyes to see one opportunity… Open your heart for the signs to feel it… and open your mind to interpret it…
Life is all about opportunities, choices and risks… make a bit of effort in playing the game:P
Two mountains exist and I stand still to this mountain I am in. Keeping my feet on the ground and not minding the other mountain that exists. For this mountain I am in makes me feel at home, keeps me sane all the time, keeps my mind focused, helps me dream and it lets my personality shine.
Now this dear companion I have found a third mountain somewhere…
He asked for freedom so that he could see and explore the third mountain… I was so shocked at the abrubt decision and I felt instantly sad. I anticipated loneliness ahead, for I have no choice but to let him go.
Now wounded am I as I tried to walk the rocky mountain alone now. Always stumbling because I no longer have him to catch me everytime I fall. It hurts so much and I’ve got wounds to heal, but his happiness is really important to me.
He found happines in the third mountain and told me to move on.
With no other choice I found other options to forget the things that make me lonely. I thought it might be nice to move on and try to see the second mountain for myself. The only way to go to the other mountain was to walk along a sturdy rope that connects both mountain’s top-ends.
I tried to walk alone but my wounds were so deep that I sought help from him… “Please, help me move on to the other mountain and guide or assist me in walking throught this rope.”
Instead of giving me a helping hand, he pushed me out (while he’s holding now the hands of another) all the way down at the foot of the first mountain…
Now badly wounded already, how am I able to “climb” now to this new mountain where I want to be? So I asked help from him again, but he just ignored me and even stepped down on me… many, many times.
Now that all my strength is gone… All of my wounds unhealed and openly bleeding… Unhealed as it is, it attracts some infection… Rotting at the bottom of the mountain where my life began. How can I even stand up so that I could walk to the new mountain?
So I lied down to the ground and wept… For I know, I will be stuck here at where I am until my wound fully heals… and at the rate that I’m going… I think that I … am… almost… dying…
How can you exactly mend your broken heart… How can you start picking up the sharp pieces that are like glass that when you touch it, it hurts you…
Do you seek help from friends, family, God, rebound guy/girl or strangers?
What if all of the above could help you think straight and be at peace for an hour. Only for an hour… then after that you go back to your painful thoughts of reminiscent sunshines…
What is wierd is that you tend to remember the good memories from the past that pains your present… If only you could recall more of the bad memories just to have that drive to move on and start moving your heart’s pieces. And simple as it may seem, moving on is quite more than complex — especially with my kind of personality.
And so, I ask… to all of the strong people here… How do you mend a broken heart?
To those who think they’re weak… how do you struggle to live through a month, a week, a day, or even an hour of emotional agony…
Please tell me now as I nurse this bleeding heart of mine. I know for sure that the one who broke this won’t fix it back… I am too scared and hurt yet to pick up all the pieces. Somehow I have noticed that I have indulged myself with the feeling of pain… Because losing him brought a whole lot of reality…
Unwilling to have myself swept off my feet with anyone else yet… Could you just imagine Juliet moving on just like that… when she thought she saw Romeo dead, and she would not have followed the beat of her heart to die with him and instead, she moved on … Then the story would not be so great after all…
I am a hopeless romantic and am so idealistic… I love like a character in a fairy tale… I love the way fiction character does .. so passionate… so full… so unconditional…
But this love is free… and unconditional… even if he may love someone else now, I still love him sheepishly… still giving him all my love, for my heart is stuck with him… Indulging in the pain because even though it hurts, I just feel alive and I feel that I have loved…
I was just bombarded by tasks today. I felt so exhausted at work so I strolled down the streets of the Fort at around 6pm and enjoying the Christmas breeze in my skin. Simple things bring joy to my unfathomable deranged soul…
I have just finished setting up my i.ph blog and I actually enjoyed it! Customizing it is easy for blog beginners like changing fonts, background and stuff. If you’re a hardcore coder of course I think you’d prefere a more customizeable platform like wordpress.
But for this one I am content and happy about the looks of my erika.i.ph blog.
What I like about this is that i.ph is somewhat new and imagine I got the “erika” username.. I would have wanted to use my real name of course but it’s taken already… but the sad part is… that it is being used…
For now, I leave it at this… what do I post here? Something personal and interesting dailies on love and life…
I am miss anonymous and you don’t know me… freedom is what i’ll be.
nice site! keep on posting!
I’ve only been in the Philippines for a short time but I must say it’s a wonderful country. But anyway, I just wanted to stop by because I’m reading blogs about the Philippines and found your site on google. If you have any tips on places to go while here in manila then I’d love to hear them. Happy Holy Week!
tnx 4 dropping to my blog!
Thanks @shakespearIANe .. are you writer? >.
it feels as if its the end of the world and u’re down with ur feet, helpless and cant move on..
but u could always get through this.
remember ders a RAINBOW always after the RAIN
Hi! be welcome to post leave your comments here 
Congratulations, you’ve just completed the installation of this shoutbox.
Hi! Your shoutbox is working fine!
